We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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