But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My cat gives me a boner
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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