Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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