Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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