at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
how drunk are you?
Several
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
