I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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