Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
