one word: firstdatebathroomanal
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
