grandma shit on top of the toilet
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
