Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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