she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You are the jesus of drinking
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
