I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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