I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
