Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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