I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
you made out with another girl for some wings
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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