in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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