He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
