when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
