Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
