70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
