Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
