Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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