i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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