I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
