yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
