Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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