I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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