ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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