i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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