The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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