I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
