pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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