They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
