Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
