i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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