I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
