Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we're making bets on your personal life
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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