my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
