She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
