ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
