thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
