i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
