I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
