After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
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I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Green mimosas i think yes
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
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I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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