tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
