Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I supernannyed him into submission
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
