he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
