sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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