I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
