just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
