I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
