I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Randomize
