I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
