I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
