I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
