your parents love me but you hate me
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
