BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
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He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
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Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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