i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
