Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He shit in the fireplace
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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