My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
